Confession and Prayer

I'm just going to ramble for a while. My brain has been going all day, and not all of it good. I am a mass of self-loathing and if I don't release it, it will continue to build on itself day after day and I will become even more walled off than I already am. Perhaps it's not so much self-loathing as it is a great amount of fear. I mean, where do I start? Well, right here to be certain. The reason why my posts are so erratic is that a lot of times I can't think of anything to write and other times there are things happening that are very personal and personally embarrassing to me and I don't anyone to know about them. Yet I have a journal which I write in and everything goes in there. There really isn't any risk there. Here I feel that there is a great deal of risk. However, I have written a couple of posts on here that I felt iffy about and I didn't get crucified for saying what I said. It matters way too much what people think of me. I'm such a people-pleaser that a lot of times I ignore that which will be in my best interest. I do things for other people that they could easily do for themselves, thus reinforcing their own unwillingness to be self-sufficient. There are many many people who are like this, and most of them are women. We're not supposed to make any waves. It has caused me to harbor resentments and also not feel so good about myself. I'm here to say that I used to be more deeply ensconced in this behavior, so today it's not just something I do without being aware of it. The awareness I have now is and can be a double-edged sword. To tell someone no I won't do that thing for you can be super-scary but in the end feels good. To be able to say no and not feel like I have to give an explanation for saying it is an accomplishment. Yet I still do say yes when I would have been better off saying no and I feel anger and/or annoyance. Oy. And then there's that thing in my head which I call "the committee" that tells me I'm not good enough and that I never will be. It comes in many forms but that's the basic message. Also that I cannot trust myself. And that I can trust a person that I have no business trusting. That because I am not able to run as fast or as hard as I did when I was maybe 10 years younger I really just suck and have no business being a runner anyway. It tells me I should just quit.
It is no wonder I feel so tired every day even when I get enough sleep at night. I am grateful that all of this does not keep me awake at night. I would be even more of a wreck than I already am. People in Al-anon tell me that I need to fire "the committee" and/or just tell them to shut the fuck up. While I know this is true, I have not been very successful at it. I don't really know how it feels to feel like I am good enough just as I am. Wouldn't that be something? I know I would not feel so tired all the time. I try to "hang in there" as many people are fond of telling me to do, but that's one piece of advice if I never heard it again, I'd be really happy. The truth is that I am hanging in there. I will not quit even though it would be damn easy to do sometimes. I know that no one has the answers. The only one who can truly help me is God and those people whose lives and words show me how to get relief. What I know I need to do is to not be fearful of telling the truth. The more I live in outright lies or even half-truths the more I will harbor all of the negativity that goes on in my mind.
Lord, help me. I need you.

I've Been Vague Lately....

The things that have been going on in my life have been a bit stressful. I am willing to discuss these a little bit because I have learned from them. I will not again in the foreseeable and unforseeable future go into a chat room to combat boredom and/or loneliness. It is always against my better judgment to do something like that, yet I did that very thing a few weeks ago. It is really sort of embarrassing to admit that since usually people only use chat rooms to "hook up" with other eligible or not so eligible people. I always think that I can handle myself and not start to say anything inappropriate and act like I am there for the reason that everyone else seems to be. Well, I started talking to someone in that chat room and did so for about 2 or so weeks (via instant messaging). I will admit it did get inappropriate and my brain started to think negatively about my own real life. It all came to a tipping point this past Sunday evening and I got caught and was unable to close the message window and my husband read the whole conversation I had been having with this guy. It was not pretty, the immediate fallout. The bottom line, however, was that we ended up having a really emotional open and honest conversation and I was relieved to finally be able to not have that as a secret. I know eventually it would have come out because I really suck at hiding things and being dishonest.
I know it's not always a good idea to be even a little bit open about what's going on in my life. What is different today? I'm not sure, except that I have learned and grown from this and am not feeling embarrassed like I was. I made a mistake, an error in judgment. It could have turned out much differently, but I am really grateful since it has brought us closer. It also taught me to focus on that which I do have in my life and to not look so much at what I believe I "should have" in my life. I've not been acting like an adult but like a child who was not getting her way. Instead of communicating, I acted out. Not very flattering. I am just grateful to have realized that sooner instead of later.
So for whatever it's worth, there's the whole story.

16 Days Later

So it's been 2 weeks and 2 days since I last posted. The truth is I haven't really felt all that motivated. That's all. Sure, there has been stuff going on, but I'm only now starting to move out of the fray so I can think clearly. I learned that I am often self-absorbed and less than compassionate towards those who are having difficulties. It's easier to get upset because I am being inconvenienced or am not getting my way than to try to look at the particular situation from the other person's viewpoint.
I've also been trying to increase my level of endurance when it comes to my running. I am often frustrated when I can't seem to do as well as I think I should be. Some days it seems so much easier than on other days. Plus my back and knees are starting to complain. Yet I will go on because it is one of the things in my life that actually keeps me sane. It's funny, because sometimes before I go I get very nervous and anxious, almost like it's a foregone conclusion that my body will once again let me down. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Those days I cut my time outside short because "what's the use?". This running thing is mental as well as physical.
Other than the regular day to day grind, not too much has been going on. Well, I did learn that there is no easy way to face my "issues". My main problem is fear. It has caused me to act in ways that otherwise I would never even allow to cross my mind. Discovering a dark side of myself has been really strange. Sometimes it seems kind of fun, but it never fails to get me in at least a little bit of trouble. Oh well, there are other ways to have fun that don't affect me or anyone else adversely. I'm trying to attain some level of balance, so everything doesn't have to be black or white.
Right now I am liking where I am so I think I'll just hold onto that for today.

Doing the Deal

Today I finally did something I have needed to do for a long time. I had been putting it off, but then I realized that simply ignoring the issue will not cause it to go away. For this I am grateful, and my prayer is that I will not backtrack and undo what I have done. I believe with God's help that I will be able to stick to my guns.
Leave it at this, that I finally spoke my mind instead of assuming that someone else could read it.

The Journey Continues

I finally got to see my just shy of 2 month old nephew over the weekend. He's at the stage where if you look at him too long he starts to cry. Too much information, I suppose. My 20 month old niece unfortunately got sick and never fully recovered. She had a fever and was throwing up. It was really heartbreaking to hear her cry because she felt so bad. My sister in law got no sleep on Saturday night, so Easter at my mom's was a bit odd. She and I managed to put the kids' baskets, but as of the time I left my mom's house they had not been given to the kids. Hopefully everyone will be healthy the next time they come into town. My brother wasn't even there, because he had to go out of town for his job. So my sister in law is up there in Georgia with the 2 kids and not much help. I do not know how she does it. She looks amazingly good despite being severely sleep deprived. But my husband said it best, that she's in her element being a mom. I don't see her lose her cool too much, but I am sure it's not that way all the time. She seems to have this calming effect on me. Yes, I love my sister in law. My brother is blessed to have her. They balance one another out.
So the weekend was pretty OK. John was sick from last Friday (I think he may have caught what my niece had) until well, yesterday. He went to work on Sunday but it was slow so they were letting people leave early. Today was the first day I had some time to myself. I haven't been the easiest person to be around the last few days. I admit that I am a moody person. My mood was not good, and John got to experience it first-hand. I assume that part of it is because it is almost that time of the month, but as for the other part, I'm not really sure. I called it "being off". Just not feeling like my normal self. It will be OK. I am already feeling better. John will be so happy. Honestly, I do not like being a bitch. But I choose the behavior and it rarely has to do with what anyone else has said or done. That's one thing I know for sure.
So I carry on, as I must.

Monday, Monday

I don't like days like this. I'll just be honest....I haven't even taken off the sweats and t-shirt I slept in last night. I only went outside once to let the dog out. I've also had the yucky sinus headache/migraine for the last 2 days. Days like this I feel sapped of energy and my thoughts are not usually very positive. I've been looking at this blank space for a long time searching for what to write about and all that is up there is nothing. It's so frustrating. Does this sound familiar? Same old shit, different day. I apologize for being redundant. It's a bad habit I've fallen into, to go too deep inside and stay there. It's easy to become a whiner and just dwell on everything I don't feel I've accomplished.
But my life is very very small. Not much goes on from one day to the next. Lately I don't feel as if I've been living up to my own f---ing expectations. I was thinking about it earlier, and truthfully I'm not sure I even know what those are. All I know is that my body gets tired much more easily and running is something that when I am doing it I feel anxious the whole time. I feel fear that I've messed up my body, that all the things people have told me would happen, like my knees giving out. My knees hurt every day. I don't want to tell anyone about that since I think they'll make me stop running. Sounds a bit crazy, but that's my brain. My brain tells me if I don't run, I'll get fat. Crazy, I know. So now the truth comes out--I am crazy, or at least I feel crazy and out of control sometimes. In that mindset, I try to control my eating.
I don't know where this is going. It gets it out of my head, that's all I know. This is more like a journal entry than most of the posts I have written. This kind of writing comes much more easily to me. It's not forced since I know the subject matter so well. I was thinking earlier that perhaps why this is not so easy to me is that I am still finding out who I am and where I fit in the grand scheme of life. I have all the labels: wife, daughter, sister, aunt, sister-in-law, daughter in law. That's not who I am. My journey has begun and yes, I have discovered some things about who this woman is. I just choose to look away from those positive things sometimes and define myself by what I am not or what I have not accomplished. Many people have told me that this is a long, life-time journey. I am impatient. I get restless, irritable, and discontent. I've spoken of Al-Anon before, and I go to those meetings and get reminded that even people who have been going and working the program for many years still struggle. So what do I think makes me so different? I am not. It's very easy to look at people's appearance and judge myself and what's on the inside of me by that. Judging a book by its cover----yeah. I think if I had done that there are many books I would not have read and also many people I would not have ever known. Yet, there are still days like this. It has to be OK. And it is. Because I know I won't feel this way forever.

Best I Am Able to Do

Once again, I am trying to make myself write something. Past experience has shown me that this is not the best way to express myself. I keep on thinking that the material should come to me, seeing as I am writing about myself. I believe that my main obstacle is the need for me not to be boring. I am a prime example of a people pleaser. I want other people to like me and tell me how wonderful I am doing.
Why do these things seem to come so easily to others? Do they struggle like I do? It seems to me that this is not the case. Do you want to know what I think? That it is only effortless to a very few people. So as you can see I don't seem to have much confidence in myself. I overthink everything. I get stressed out before a run. I am anxious that I won't be able to do as well as I want to. Fear has often been an excuse to just not do anything. I spent and still do spend a lot of time struggling against myself.
Today is a day where I feel as though I am getting by. I am tired. I don't think that it's because we had to put our clocks forward an hour last night. I got almost 8 hours of sleep, still I want to just lie down and sleep the rest of the day. It is probably part of what I need to do. That's all I can think of right now. I have laundry to do. It is amazing how many loads of dirty clothes that 2 people can produce in such a short time. Half the time it's stuff that gets left on the floor and is probably not all that dirty. But my rule is if it's been on the floor it needs to be washed. It's probably something that contributes to how much time I spend on the laundry, but so be it.
And I won't even go into how much time is spent washing dishes. I swear, the next place we live there is going to have to be a dishwasher.
I know I am ranting but this is the best I have to give today. For what it's worth, one day I will have an actual point.

Stuff and nonsense

Finally we have a nice early-spring feeling day today. Yesterday it was freezing cold. It gets like this a lot down here, not really any consistent weather pattern. Wreaks havoc with my sinuses. I've grown accustomed to it, and it doesn't really interfere with my daily activities. Only migraines do that and fortunately I don't have those very much anymore.
Small talk, yes of course. Somewhere to start.
John was off today and we actually went out to lunch. We had a gift card for $25 to P.F. Chang's that were a Christmas present from my aunt and uncle. We had to spend a little of our own money, but it was definitely worth it. It was nice. We never really go out, mainly because of our money situation, so this was a pleasant change. I think things with us are getting back on track. It has taken a while, a year. There were times when I didn't know if that was going to be the case. There is no one that I know whose life is "normal". I don't even know what that would be. People put on masks. That's an understatement. I'm not saying all people are fake. Some of them are. I believe that a lot of it is just fear. That was the case with me anyway.
It's definitely difficult to "just be myself". I'm getting better at it. At my advanced age (LOL) I have finally learned a little bit of who I am.

So here I am watching the movie "Scream" for about the 200th time waiting for my load of laundry to finish washing. It's a bit cheesy, but so what? I love this stuff.

Untitled Post

I have spent a majority or my life not living my own life. It's been a long stretch of pleasing other people and also worrying about everyone else's opinions. I try to write here what I think, yet it seems to all come out as trying to be like someone else who I am really not. For a long time, perhaps the majority of my life, I have had trust issues. Yeah, me and everyone else. I have not really ever trusted even myself. I have put trust in those who looking back I see were not worthy of it. I tend to put unrealistic expectations on the very few which I do trust, and I get disappointed. I want so much from those I love, and I do not believe I give out what I want in return. It is not too late in my life to start, which previously I thought it was. This is what has been spinning around in my head today, and I just wanted to express it.
During my run today I kept repeating that old cliche today is the first day of the rest of my life. And I had a great run, although it was absolutely freezing. To me, though, I'd rather it be 40 degrees because the air is so much easier to breathe in.
It's been a discombobulating couple of weeks, and I've been trying to navigate through this fog without any kind of guidance. That's been connected to my lack of trust. Depending solely on the pathways of my mind is not a good idea. A wise person told me that my mind is like a dangerous neighborhood. Dark and confusing. As many other times as she has told me that same thing, I keep trying to figure it out by myself. I must be crazy. Yeah, and I believe I'm ready to not be an island unto myself.

Happy Saturday

What is there to say? Not a heck of a whole lot. My trip to the doctor on Thursday was uneventful. I sat in the waiting room for almost an hour and then they put me in a room with just that drafty gown on for another 30 minutes. That's what blows my mind, since the doctor only sees you for 10 or 15 minutes. But it was all good. I'm as healthy as can be. Thank goodness that's the doctor I only have to see once a year. Plus there was no co-pay. The real fun was afterwards when I had to go to Wal-Mart. It was pouring down rain which made for the usual thing of people forget all the rules of driving when the weather gets bad. Oh Lordy. I spent too much time and too much money (as usual) in that store. And of course I forgot to get the dog food. I thought I was never going to get home. I hadn't planned on being out the whole afternoon, but that's the way those things go. Made me all the more glad when I got back to the house.
Of course I had to go back to Wal-Mart yesterday and get the dog food. At least the dog is happy.

Today I don't have any plans to do anything, which suits me just fine.